Category Archives: Therapeutic Relationship

Clinical Issues Related to Money

My internship is in an agency that charges sliding scale fees. One of my clients hasn’t paid for the last two sessions, saying he forgot his check both times. I know he can afford it because he just came back from a big vacation to Hawaii. How can I bring this up with him and get him to pay on time?

This is a difficult clinical issue, and it’s a good experience to have during your training. If you plan to work in a private practice after licensure, you will find that the meaning and emotions associated with client payment and fees become more complicated when it represents your income and livelihood. Having this experience while you are in training and not dependent on the fees for income allows you to come to a better understanding of the issues involved for you as well as your clients.

I recommend that you approach the exploration of money and fees by reflecting first on the meaning and emotions that are present for you both personally and professionally. Often money is a way of expressing and experiencing value or validation, and it may be used as a tool to exert interpersonal power. Feelings related to self-worth are often associated with the exchange of money in a relationship. These may include entitlement, comfort, envy, shame, deprivation, and pride. Think about the role that money plays in your family relationships and the meaning of money in your cultural community. You may become aware of implicit messages like “it’s not polite to talk about money,” “you have to fight for everything you get,” “you’re only worth what people give you,” or “if you work hard enough you’ll get what you deserve.”

In addition to your personal and cultural history with money, your current status as a therapist in training includes complex relationships with money. You may have taken on significant student loan debt or received support from a partner or family member. You are probably working as a volunteer or receiving a small salary while you are accumulating hours toward licensure, and you may be working another job in or outside the mental health field to pay your expenses. All of these factors will contribute to the feelings that arise in you when your clients pay or don’t pay their assigned fees. These will become heightened when you are in a private practice and your client fees are a source of income.

Once you have become more clear about how money impacts you in your clinical work, you can move to reflecting on the meaning of money for your client. Some of the things to consider are his early family experiences related to money, value, and power; cultural messages related to money and gender, since there may be different expectations for men and women; the meaning it has for him to seek services at an agency that offers a sliding scale; and the emotions associated with his financial choices. Think about conversations and interactions you have had in setting his fee, in sessions when he brings payment and when he doesn’t, and when he tells you about purchases or expenses like his recent vacation.

Your understanding of how you and your client think and feel about money will help you begin to identify the relational and cross-cultural dynamics in this therapy relationship and specifically in his recent lack of payment. A few possibilities to consider are: your client feels shamed by requesting a sliding scale fee and manages his shame by withholding payment; you are reluctant to discuss money openly and have had difficulty setting an appropriate fee and clear expectations about payment; your client devalues his emotions and needs for nurturing leading him to forget payment for a service that involves both emotions and needs for nurturing; your client associates masculinity with interpersonal power and is attempting to balance the power differential. What is important in your examination is to consider the contribution that you and the client are each making to this current conflict which will help you identify what you need to do internally and interpersonally to address your client’s lack of payment.

It may be helpful to use some of the guidance in a prior blog post about client attendance to identify a therapeutic response to your client forgetting his payment. Attendance and payment are two therapeutic frame issues that are often avenues for clients to repeat problematic relational patterns, especially those they aren’t able to articulate directly.

I hope you are able to use these suggestions in understanding clinical issues related to money. Please email me with comments, questions, or suggestions for future blog topics.

Client Reactions to Therapist Absence

I took some time off for the holidays, and my clients seem to be reacting to this. A few have cancelled sessions, a few have arrived late when they’re usually on time, and one said he thinks it’s time to stop therapy even though there is clearly more to do. How can I bring up the possibility that they’re upset about my being away without making the therapy all about me?

I agree with your assessment that your clients are having reactions to your absence and that it’s desirable to encourage them to talk about their feelings instead of demonstrating them in action. I’ll share some ideas about ways you can initiate this discussion and some of the reasons that clients may be reluctant to acknowledge and talk about their feelings.

Before talking with your clients about their reactions to your absence, notice and work to understand your countertransference feelings about this. You may feel annoyed, afraid, or guilty, reflected in thoughts like “don’t they appreciate how hard I work?” or “what if I lose clients every time I’m gone?” or “I guess I shouldn’t take so much time off next year.” These countertransference feelings can interfere with your ability to talk with the clients about their feelings, so wait to do so until you have understood and gotten support to process your annoyance, fear, guilt, or other feelings.

Your clients will probably have difficulty acknowledging to themselves and to you that they were affected by your absence. Our society generally values independence and autonomy over connection and interdependency, and it is unusual and unfamiliar for a professional to acknowledge the impact of a break in the relationship. Other health care and social service providers generally don’t acknowledge that the client may be affected by the provider’s absence or lack of availability. In addition, some of your clients probably coped with difficulties in their families of origin by denying their need for reliability and consistency and by shutting off their awareness of feelings of dependency and accompanying anger when their relational needs weren’t met.

Despite your clients’ reluctance and lack of practice, there are ways you can introduce the topic that will make it easier for them to engage in exploring their reactions to your time away. First, notice for yourself how the client’s behavior is different and mention this with an attitude of curiosity. For example, you might say “I notice that you were late for both of our sessions since I returned from my holiday break. That’s unusual for you, and I wonder if it might be related to the fact I was gone for a couple weeks.” This opening statement doesn’t make any judgment or assumption but simply tracks the change in behavior following your absence.

Second, it may help to make a statement that normalizes the fact that clients are affected by a break in the flow of therapy and that these emotions can be at odds with their rational or intellectual understanding of the reasons for the break. A sample statement would be “Many clients find they have feelings about missing a week or two of therapy, even though they understand the reason for my being away. Could that be the case for you?” With a client who is especially reluctant to look at her feelings about the therapy relationship, you might also talk about why this could be important to look at in light of her presenting issue or the focus of treatment. An example is “It may seem odd for me to ask about your feelings related to my being away for two weeks, but we’ve been talking about how you feel when your husband is on a business trip. It might help us understand that better if we also look at your feelings when I’m away.” This gives the client an explanation for why you think it is important to explore this and how it could help her in the area of concern to her. In some cases, it can be helpful to make a statement about the early experiences and coping strategies that interfere with acknowledging the impact of your absence by saying something like “We’ve been discussing how hard it was for you to come home to an empty house when both of your parents were working, and some of those feelings may have returned when I was away. You’ve worked hard to not let yourself know how painful that was, and it may be hard to recognize how you felt while I was gone.”

Last, let the client know that you’ll continue to notice and bring up the question of her feelings when you are away in the future. Sometimes the repetition over time helps the client to develop more awareness of the underlying emotions that aren’t accessible in your initial discussion.

I hope you are able to use these suggestions when working with client reactions to your absences. Please email me with comments, questions, or suggestions for future blog topics.

Client Attendance

I’ve been seeing a client for three months, but she has only come to 7 sessions. Sometimes she calls to cancel, but often she just doesn’t show up. I don’t know whether I should stop seeing her or if there is another way to help her understand the importance of coming in regularly.

This is a common dilemma, especially for clinicians in training or agency settings. It is difficult to make therapeutic progress when clients miss one or more sessions each month, and it is often challenging to engage the client in examining the reasons for irregular attendance. I will describe two approaches to this issue, and you may find either or both of these approaches helpful with this client and similar situations.

The first approach involves having a standard policy regarding attendance, setting a limit on the number of missed appointments or late cancellations. Your agency may have such a policy or you may develop one if you are working in a private practice setting. This policy should be part of your informed consent process, and I recommend that you remind the client about this each time she misses an appointment without notice or with late notice. A common standard is to allow three missed appointments or late cancellations (usually less than 24 hours’ notice) in a four month period before ending treatment. You may decide to make exceptions for illness or unavoidable emergencies, but be sure to discuss this with the client and let her know the reason for making an exception. The purpose of this type of policy is to insure that there is discussion about the issue of attendance and that the client is able to make progress on the issues she wants to address.

The second approach, which can be used instead of or in addition to an attendance policy, is to handle the client’s sporadic attendance as a clinical issue. The basis for this approach is an assumption that the client is repeating a traumatic or maladaptive interpersonal relationship and that you can provide the client with a different experience that will have a therapeutic outcome. I will outline a three step process for making such a clinical decision.

The first step in understanding the meaning of the client’s missed sessions is to reflect on her developmental history, especially regarding attachment and loss, and her descriptions of current relationships with intimate partners. Identify one or two themes that are present in these early and recent relationships. One common theme is an unpredictable attachment figure which leaves the client with feelings of longing and inadequacy. Another is an intrusive or abusive attachment figure leading the client to sacrifice safety to meet her need for connection. Think about the implications of these interpersonal experiences for the client’s view of herself and expectations of others.

The second step is to examine your countertransference and identify the interpersonal experience that the client is repeating with you. Be honest and thorough in reflecting on all of the thoughts, emotions, and images that are present when you wait for your client or when you pick up a message cancelling a few hours before the appointment. Notice any attributions you make about the reasons for the client missing the appointment and about the value of the therapy or your value as the therapist. Think about parallels between your thoughts and emotions and the client’s interpersonal themes. The client may be placing you in the position of the attachment figure or in the more vulnerable position she was in as a child.

Once you have identified the relevant experience and the roles being enacted by you and the client, you are ready to decide on a response that will allow the client to experience this interaction differently. This third and final step usually begins with shifting your countertransference state so that you are in touch with your therapeutic intentions and skills. You can then talk with the client in a different way than is possible when you are in the grip of the client’s enactment. In the best of circumstances, your response allows the client to become more engaged in the therapy whether or not she gains insight into the nature of the repetition. At other times, the client continues her side of the repetition, and you will need to decide whether to introduce limits as discussed above. Even in these situations, however, there is an opportunity for your learning and you can end the therapy, if necessary, knowing that you provided every opportunity for a therapeutic outcome.

I hope you are able to use these suggestions when working with clients whose attendance is irregular. Please email me with comments, questions, or suggestions for future blog topics.

Clinical Issues at Holiday Times

The holidays are coming up soon, and I am thinking about how to prepare my clients for the issues that are likely to come up. This is my first year in a practicum placement, so I also wonder how much to be available to see my clients during the holiday season.

The time between mid-November and early January is a difficult time for many of our clients. Family gatherings can trigger painful memories and can give rise to conflict over past or present disagreements. Those who choose not to spend time with family or who are estranged from family may feel a heightened sense of isolation during this season if they don’t have relationships with a partner and friends.

In approaching the topic of the holiday season with your clients, I recommend that you adopt an attitude of curiosity and interest, free of assumption and agenda. You have probably worked with some clients for a few months and with others for only a few weeks. They will vary in their sense of trust and engagement with you and in their readiness to plan for upcoming events and gatherings. You can bring up the topic with a general statement like “the holiday season is challenging for many people and I wonder if you’d like to talk here about some ways to take care of yourself during this time.” This leaves an opening for the client to focus on the aspect of the season that is most challenging or to let you know that it isn’t a priority.

Some of the issues your clients may want to discuss are family gatherings, other social events, financial pressure, and managing stress. Remember that your role is to support and collaborate with your client rather than to attempt to fix the dilemma. Find out what specific difficulties have arisen in the past and ask how she would like to handle a similar situation in this holiday season. It is usually better to apply skills the client uses in other situations or to make small adjustments in the familiar pattern rather than taking on a major change. For example, if she has used a mindfulness exercise in other stressful situations, suggest trying that before or after a tense shopping trip. If the client reports that the family gathering becomes heated and conflictual after a couple hours, ask if he could plan to leave after two hours before things escalate.

Regarding the question of being available to see your clients, reflect first on your needs for self care during the holiday season. Our personal lives contain the potential for family conflict, painful memories, and feelings of loneliness as do our clients’ lives. Be sure to make your decisions about taking time off from client work in a way that includes meeting your needs. Consider the possibility that some of your clients will miss their scheduled appointments and that you will feel particularly frustrated or resentful if you defer your needs for time off and the clients don’t come in.

Once you have decided on your schedule for the holiday season, let your clients know when you will be out of the office and confirm the dates you are available for scheduled appointments. Some clients don’t think in advance about the impact of changes in work schedules and children’s school schedules on their ability to keep an appointment, so it may help to reduce the number of late cancellations you have if you go through the calendar with them. Provide your clients with information about emergency coverage during your absence, and develop a safety plan with those who are at risk or who anticipate particular difficulty at this time of year.

I hope you are able to use these recommendations for your clients and yourself in the holiday season. Please email me with comments, questions or suggestions for future blog topics.

Client Disengagement

I’ve been working with a client for about six months, and we’ve agreed on a treatment plan. However, he doesn’t seem very engaged in working toward his goals. My supervisor suggested I bring this up with him, so I asked if he has changed his priorities and he said no. How can I help him make progress when he isn’t motivated?

This is a difficult situation, and it sounds like you haven’t yet identified the reason for your client’s lack of engagement with the treatment plan. In addition to a change in priorities, this type of withdrawal could be due to his reluctance or inability to verbalize his preferences or due to pressure from someone in his life about the purpose and outcome of the therapy. Your client told you his priorities haven’t changed, but you still don’t know whether that or another factor may be explain your sense that he isn’t working collaboratively with you. I’ll make a few suggestions of ways you might work with yourself and your client to change the pattern or your interpretation and response to it.

The first step I would recommend is to identify and explore your countertransference response. You say he seems disengaged, which suggests that there is a disruption in your experience of the therapeutic relationship. Give thought to his behavior and your emotional response without making an interpretation of what it means. Also, reflect on whether your client’s behavior has changed over the six months you have worked together. It is possible that there is a mismatch between you and your client in interpersonal pace, rhythm, and emotional expression. If that is the case, the meaning you are assigning to his behavior, i.e., that he isn’t engaged in working on goals, may not be accurate. In addition, if you notice a similarity in your emotional response to this client and to other situations in your personal life, you may need to become more flexible in attuning to your client’s preferred style and not assigning the same interpretation to his behavior as you have made in other relationships. Talk with your supervisor about your countertransference and your observations of your client’s behavior to help you get clearer about why you have come to the conclusion that he isn’t motivated.

After you have checked your countertransference responses, consider bringing up the issue of your client’s engagement as a process comment. Be sure you are feeling open and nonjudgmental when you initiate this discussion. Examples of ways to bring up the issue would be “I’ve noticed that our discussions of your treatment goals haven’t been very fruitful and wonder if you have any thoughts about that” or “I’m wondering how the therapy is feeling for you and whether we’re addressing the things that are most important to you” or “I’d like to check in with you about how we’re working together to make sure I’m helping you in the ways you want and need.”

Last, after you have initiated this process level discussion, respond with curiosity and interest to the client’s comments. It is especially helpful to use reflective listening, empathy, and clarification. Even if your client responds by saying “everything is fine,” you can respond with “so you feel we’re working on the things that are important to you?” to affirm the client’s statement and encourage him to elaborate. If he gives any indication of ambivalence or dissatisfaction, you can follow up on that using reflective exploration which may lead to greater understanding and collaboration between you. If he doesn’t directly express any discontent, you can still express your openness to hearing his negative feelings by making a normalizing statement. An example is “people often find that they have a mixture of feelings about therapy, so if that does happen for you I hope we can talk about it.”

I hope this discussion has been useful to you in understanding client disengagement. Please email me with questions, comments, and suggestions for future blog topics.

Updating Client Documentation

I have seen a client for three months and have learned new information that changes my diagnosis from major depressive disorder to post traumatic stress disorder. In light of this new information, we’re also working on different treatment goals than we talked about at the beginning. What is the best way to document these changes in our work together?

You are describing a situation that is common in clinical work. The information that clients give us at the beginning of treatment reflects what is uppermost in their minds as well as what they feel safe to disclose. Often they remember and reveal more after they feel understood and become less worried about being judged or criticized. When you work with children or adolescents, you may also get additional information from parents or teachers that affects your diagnosis and treatment plan.

Before discussing how to document these types of changes, I’ll share some thoughts about the content of your documentation. Since your new diagnosis is post traumatic stress disorder, your client has evidently told you about past traumatic events as well as revealing more about the different symptoms she is experiencing. The details of these traumatic events may be sensitive, and you should think about the possibility of your client or a third party viewing your record as you record this information. Your documentation should include enough detail to support and explain your clinical decisions while also preserving your client’s privacy. For example, you could say that the client was exposed to domestic violence but put the details of the incident and the family situation in your psychotherapy notes rather than the clinical record. (Click here for an explanation of the difference between progress notes and psychotherapy notes.)

Your documentation of these changes in your clinical work can take two forms: progress notes and separate assessment and treatment planning documents. Ideally, the changes would be reflected in both of these documents. If your agency receives a request for the client’s record, they may only send the assessment documents and not include progress notes. However, your progress notes should describe the treatment progress, and this requires including the information you describe above.

Regarding the progress notes, they should incorporate your client’s report of symptoms and traumatic incidents and your revision of the diagnosis. If you only included the client’s report in your previous notes, you can add a paragraph to your next note identifying the new diagnosis and your assessment that led to this revision. Similarly, you should describe your conversation with the client about new treatment goals and your plan for working on them. It is best for this to be included in the note for the session in which you had that conversation, but if you have already written that note you can create a supplemental note or include the information in a note for a later session, identifying the date of the original conversation.

If your agency has one or more documents for assessment and treatment planning, you may have a form for revisions or updates that you are required to complete every three, six or twelve months. If you don’t have a version of those forms to use for revisions, check with your agency supervisor. You may be able to write an addendum to the original form or simply complete a new assessment and treatment plan with a new date.

I hope you found this helpful in updating client documentation. Please email me with comments, questions or suggestions for future blog topics.

Silence as Avoidance

I have a client who uses silence as a defense or avoidance. What can I do to make therapy effective when he isn’t engaging with me to work on his goals?

I previously discussed general guidelines about managing silence in session, which will be helpful to read if you didn’t do so before. In this situation, you are experiencing the client’s silence as an obstacle to therapeutic progress and it sounds like he hasn’t responded to your encouragement to work more actively in therapy. I’ll outline a couple suggestions that may help you reframe the meaning of the silence and respond therapeutically.

My first comment is that this client actually is engaging with you through his silence. My guess is that you have spent a lot of mental energy and emotion in attempting to solve what you experience as a problem between you, so he has been successful in creating a relationship with you. The obstacle or problem lies in the fact that he is engaging with you in his preferred way rather than in your preferred way.

A question I would pose is “why does this client prefer to engage with me through silence rather than through talking?” There are a number of possibilities. He may feel vulnerable to being controlled and/or judged by you if he speaks about what he thinks, feels and wants in therapy. He may be sensitive to the implicit power dynamics between the two of you, and using silence to recalibrate the balance of power. He may be highly anxious and/or obsessive, such that his cognitive process becomes paralyzed or blocked when he thinks about painful or unsatisfying aspects of his life. Other explanations may come to mind based what you know of his history and presenting symptoms, if you frame the question in this way.

Once you have developed a hypothesis about the reason he prefers to be silent, you can make a tentative comment like “I wonder if it feels safer to stay silent than to risk hearing what I might say if you were to talk about what is on your mind.” He may or may not respond to this directly or verbally, but communicating your desire and effort to understand him will have a positive effect on the therapeutic alliance.

I would also recommend thinking about your therapeutic role with this client as containing elements of both joining his interpersonal world and providing a different interpersonal experience than is familiar to him. This is always part of the therapeutic process, but the two worlds or experiences are usually closer together than they are in this case.

You may have an assumption that his goals for therapy will be met only if he talks with you as most of your other clients do. Joining his world means letting go of that assumption and meeting him on his terms. This may mean that you remain silent for some of the session or that you comment on his silence without a requirement that he begin talking, as in the example above. In this context, providing a different interpersonal experience may mean that you accept his need for silence without insisting on an explanation. Maybe he has felt forced into interacting with others when he needed distance, and therapy feels like a repetition of that coercion. He will let you know if and when he is ready to engage in a more traditional form of talk therapy. In the meantime, remember that you are demonstrating your capacity to relate to him differently than he may expect and fear.

I hope you this has been helpful in thinking about silence as a defense or avoidance. Please email me with comments, questions or suggestions for future blog topics.

The Value of Listening

I’ve seen a client for three months and am at a loss for what to do. Her husband of 35 years died suddenly last year, and our work has focused on her grief and loss. Her feelings are still very intense, and I’m beginning to wonder if I can help her. I’m in my early thirties with both of my parents still living, so I don’t know what she’s going through.

It’s good that your client is getting your help and support at this difficult time. It isn’t necessary to have personal experience with issues like those of your clients in order to be helpful to them. Instead, your grieving client will benefit from your attention and skillful listening as she struggles to live with her intense grief. Listening to your client is a vital part of the therapeutic process and will facilitate her healing.

You may be more accustomed to thinking about and planning for active interventions in your clinical work. Clinical training often emphasizes the use and mastery of techniques, and this may have given you the impression that being a therapist centers on finding something to do that will lead to change in your clients’ lives. You may undervalue the impact of your presence in listening to your clients and sharing their pain without pressure to make it go away. This is especially true for feelings of grief and loss, which many people in our society avoid. Clients who have experienced a recent loss often have been encouraged to “get over it” or advised to “move on” by well-meaning but ill-informed friends and family members.

In this case, your primary task is to give your client as much room and time as she needs to talk about her 35-year marriage, the circumstances of her husband’s death, the feelings she has had during the last year, and how she feels on a day-to-day basis as she copes with this loss. Although you haven’t experienced such a loss, you can and should be open to hearing from her what this loss has been like for her. Your empathy, warmth and acceptance will be the primary therapeutic tools you need. You may find yourself feeling overwhelmed with the intensity of her emotions, since it sounds like she feels overwhelmed with them. It’s not your job to change her feelings, but they will become more manageable over time as she feels your presence and support in sharing them with her. This process will unfold gradually as she recognizes your ability to work on her internal timetable rather than imposing one of your own.

If you work in a setting that places a time limit on treatment, you may need to let go of your wish for a specific outcome and instead focus on her need for you to share this part of her journey, which began before she came to see you and will continue after she ends. She will be grateful for your capacity to sit with her rather than to rush toward an artificial end point.

I hope you found this helpful in understanding the value of listening. Please email me with comments, questions or suggestions for future blog topics.

Making Referrals to Additional Services

I have been seeing a client for a couple months and I think she needs more help than I can provide with individual psychotherapy. I have recommended that she get a psychiatric evaluation, join a DBT group, and sign up for a subsidized housing program. All of these services are available at the agency where I am doing my practicum training, but so far she hasn’t followed up on any of my referrals. How can I encourage her to get the additional help she needs?

Many clients in individual psychotherapy also need and benefit from additional services. Therefore, our work as therapists often involves some case management such as making referrals and collaborating with other professionals. We sometimes think of these case management tasks as outside of our therapeutic role and handle them pragmatically. This blog posting will help you think about making referrals as an integral part of the psychotherapy, which may lead to a better outcome.

I’ll start with some discussion of the reasons for recommending additional services. The combination of services you mention suggests you have multiple purposes for your referrals: clarifying the client’s diagnosis, managing crises or instability, improving living circumstances that contribute to symptoms, and following the recommended practice for specific clinical presentations. It also seems like your client presents with a complex set of emotional and psychosocial issues and you may be feeling overwhelmed. I would suggest first that you take some time to reflect on your countertransference responses to this client, preferably with some consultation from your supervisor and colleagues. This may clarify the support you need in managing this case and help you identify the reasons for your referrals. With a clearer perspective you can develop the most effective method for helping your client.

Once you have become clearer about the purpose of your referrals, approach them in order of priority. You can prioritize the referrals based on the client’s preferences and goals as well as safety concerns. It may be useful to use a harm reduction approach, which is often used with substance use disorders and has application for other situations involving safety. Identify the areas of greatest potential harm to your client and work first to reduce that harm, through your work in therapy as well as through referral to additional services. For example, if your client’s suicidal ideation puts her at serious risk, you would begin by looking for ways to reduce that risk. She might benefit from any of the referrals listed above or from accessing a 24-hour suicide prevention hotline, and the best recommendation would be the one that she is most willing to pursue. The remaining referrals would be deferred until her suicidal risk is reduced.

You express a view that your client needs more help that you can provide. There are some instances in which individual therapy can only be effective in conjunction with other resources. Talk with your supervisor about the client’s risk so s/he can help you decide whether to require the client to use one or more other services as a condition of individual therapy. That is sometimes the best decision to make in a complex, volatile clinical situation.

A final issue to consider is the therapeutic tone and manner of your referral recommendations. Pay particular attention to your countertransference and the possibility that you want to hand off this client to someone else because she feels like too much for you to handle. It is easy for a client to experience a referral as a sign of rejection rather than support. The client is bringing her concerns and difficulties to you and may feel your ambivalence about helping her. She is more likely to experience your support if you discuss your countertransference with your supervisor, then make it clear to the client that you plan to continue working with her. It will also help to describe how you believe the other services will contribute to the therapy rather than being a substitute.

I hope you found this blog helpful in making referrals in a therapeutic manner. Please email me with comments, questions or suggestions for future blog topics.

Managing Silence

I have a client who has a hard time talking in our therapy sessions. I want him to benefit from therapy so I prepare for the session by having topics for us to talk about. This has been going on for several months now, and I’m beginning to wonder if there’s a different way to handle this situation.

This is a common question for therapists in training. Since the nature of our work is listening and talking, we tend to feel uncomfortable when the back-and-forth flow of our interactions with clients is interrupted by silence. One aspect of professional growth as a therapist, though, is becoming comfortable with therapeutic interactions that are different from social interactions we have with friends, family and co-workers.

When I am working with a client who doesn’t initiate conversation or falls into silence, I usually respond first by simply sitting quietly myself. Often the client will then continue with the previous line of thought or bring up a new issue that we can explore together. In the beginning of therapy, I don’t let the silence continue for more than 20 or 30 seconds especially if the client seems uncomfortable, but that is often enough time for the client to guide the direction of our conversation.

If I do choose to break the silence, I ask an open-ended question rather than bringing up a specific topic. Examples are “is there more you’d like to say about that?” or “what’s on your mind?”. If I notice something in the client’s body language, I might say “it looks like you’re feeling sad about that” or “maybe it’s hard to realize how much pain you’re in.” If you use this type of question or statement, your client will know you’re interested in his inner experience and that he sets the direction of the therapy. Usually he will feel encouraged to continue exploring the thoughts and feelings related to the current issue or to shift to an issue that feels more relevant.

When silence is a recurring part of the therapy and the client doesn’t respond to your open-ended questions or reflective statements, your task becomes one of assessment or conceptualization of the reasons for his behavior. Some possibilities are a lack of familiarity with therapy and self-reflection, social anxiety or skill deficits, and cognitive limitations. Talk with your supervisor about your client’s history, diagnosis and relationship experiences as well as the therapy process and your countertransference responses. This discussion will help you develop an understanding of your client’s experience of the therapy and choose the most therapeutic way to engage him. You may also need support from your supervisor in managing your countertransference with a client who seems passive and disengaged.

When silence is recurring, it is sometimes helpful to provide some education about the therapy process. Clients who are new to therapy may be unsure of what is expected, and clients who have a history of contact with social service systems may have been socialized to take a passive role with professionals. Giving a short description of therapy and your approach and expectations provides guidance in these situations.

Another helpful intervention is to make a process comment or question related to the silence itself. Examples are “what’s it like for you to sit quietly here?” or “it looks like you’re not sure what to say next” or “how would you like me to respond when you’re quiet?”. You may learn that the client has assumptions about your role or your reactions to him that lead to a fruitful discussion between you. For example, the client may express a desire for you to provide an answer to a complicated emotional dilemma or may be worried that you are bored by the circumstances he is describing. In general, process comments and questions serve the purpose of communicating your presence and interest in the client and provide an opportunity to talk directly about obstacles to the client’s engagement.

I hope you found this helpful in managing silence in your therapy sessions. Please email me with comments, questions or suggestions for future blog topics.

Diane A Suffridge, Ph.D

Consultant, training and author in behavioral health.